


Let Go Of Who You Think You Are

by propheticfire



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Drama, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit chapters will be marked, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Character, Other, POV First Person, Romance, Self Insert, Sexual Content, Some Explicit Sexual Content, Tarrlok lives, author insert, fat character who isn't a joke, loss of limb, not everything is bad but I want to make sure it's tagged appropriately, other characters and tags to be added as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-13 02:15:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20574785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/propheticfire/pseuds/propheticfire
Summary: Zae, newcomer to Republic City, discovers the most beautiful man she's ever seen, and surprisingly, he's interested in her too. The two quickly begin a courtship. But when the Avatar rolls into town, everything about their lives changes, and sets them both on a path that takes them beyond anything they could have envisioned.(AKA a Tarrlok redemption in four parts, as seen mostly through Zae's eyes.)





	1. Part One: Beginning (Zae)

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a self-reflection experiment, in writing myself as someone who could be desired and found attractive. So I invented a character for me and paired them up with one of my favorite hotties. Bonus points that he has no canon-established sexuality or preferences, so I could project all I wanted. But the smut wasn't happening fast enough, and the plot was actually starting to exist, so I figured I'd publish it. It's absolutely everything that fandoms love to hate: first person POV, self-insert, not a lot of canon characters, etc. I'll admit, it's one of the shittiest things I've ever written. And I couldn't care less. The main character isn't a direct 1:1 correlation with me, but it's been good for me to use this to explore some things and to just have a good time. If this doesn't float your boat, that's okay. If you end up going on this journey with me, then welcome to the ride.

PART ONE

Beginning — Zae

The first time he looked at me like that—like he was thirsty in the desert, and I was an oasis—I thought he was looking past me. Behind me. At someone else, maybe. Nobody ever looked at me like that. It couldn’t have be me. It was impossible. Had to be someone else.

The second time he looked at me like that, with an intensity that was almost palpable, I dared to let myself hope. He was beautiful—tall and chiseled, with cheekbones that could cut glass, long dark hair accented with Water Tribe wraps, strong hands, piercing blue eyes. He gave me a small nod as he took his tea out the shop door, and I felt my breath catch in my throat.

When I saw him a third time, when he actually came up and _spoke_ to me, I knew. I knew I was done for.

“Please forgive the interruption,” he said, in a voice that somehow was both crisp like an ocean breeze and purred like rich velvet, “your robes are _striking. _Are they Fire Nation imports?”

His gaze was so intense I almost buckled under it. Oh spirits alive, this man was so beautiful. And I _had_ to be right. Oh I so hoped I was right. I so hoped that gaze meant something.

“No I got these _from_ the Fire Nation,” I finally managed to say. “They’re only imports if you consider me an import too.”

I tried not to wither under the awkwardness of those words, but this beautiful man’s face brightened into a smile. “Ah, a newcomer! Forgive my presumption; blue eyes are a rarity in the Fire Nation, are they not?”

I had enough sense to realize it was flattery, but oh it was _working_. Ohhh, I was _so _done for.

“They’re not common,” I confirmed. “I’m just an oddity, I guess.”

“Not at all!” he said, extending his hand. I took it and he clasped my hand firmly, enfolding it in both of his. _“Welcome_ to Republic City, Fire Nation traveler. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. My name is Councilman Tarrlok.”

“I’m Zae,” I said into the expectant silence. “Nice to meet you, Councilman Tarrlok.”

“Please, just Tarrlok,” he purred. His grip on my hand never faltered. “Forgive me one more time, Zae, am I correct in addressing you as she? Or do you prefer something else?”

My heart fluttered. Oh he really was pushing all the right buttons. And I was sure he knew it too. But did I care?

Absolutely not.

“You may address me as she and her,” I answered, “though that’s not quite right. I’ve just never found anything that fits better.”

And then, on a whim: “But coming from you, I’d like that.”

Tarrlok smiled again, the same brightness as before. But when he spoke, the purr in his voice was almost dangerous. “Well, Zae, it would be my honor to give you _whatever_ you like.”

He slid his hands off mine, just slow enough for me to feel the warmth and strength of them. “Stop by City Hall some time. I’d be happy to help you in _any way_ I can.”

He turned and left without even going to get any tea. I didn't know how long I stood there before I realized I hadn’t gotten my tea yet either. As I made my way toward the counter, I decided that no matter the quality of the beverage, this was _definitely_ the best tea shop in town.


	2. Part One: Beginning (Tarrlok)

PART ONE

Beginning — Tarrlok

It was her sheer _presence_ that first caught my eye. And I found I couldn’t look away.

She could have been a he, actually. Or someone else entirely. It honestly didn’t matter to me. I could never resist a strong yet soft androgyny. She was tall—as tall as myself, I was sure. Her frame was broad and ample, accented by the masculine cut of her robes. Short, shaggy hair framed her face. There was a softness to her eyes and lips that sent an ache through my chest.

And something about her energy commanded the space around her. It seeped into my very core. She stood with an ease of being, exuding a kind of unassuming magnetism. I’d never been a spiritual man, but I felt as though I should thank some higher power for the privilege of crossing paths with such a person. Looking at her was like quenching a great thirst. I was suddenly a dying man in the desert, and she was the oasis that would save my life, if only I could keep looking at her.

And if she caught me looking at her then so be it. I was too enraptured to look away.

I saw her again in the tea shop some days later. I had no time to stop, so I gave her a small nod as her eyes caught mine. They’d been lingering on me, I could tell. And that ache in my chest returned. I headed back to City Hall with a yearning I couldn’t ignore.

Finally, our paths crossed again. The tea shop was busy, but of course I noticed when she swept in, in robes as black as ink, accented with a vibrant red. She joined the line, and I could feel her eyes on me immediately. I suppressed the shiver that raced over me. I knew what I wanted, and if I wasn’t mistaken, it was what she wanted too. And it was time to set things in motion.

I stepped out of my place in the line and approached. “Please forgive the interruption; your robes are _striking_. Are they Fire Nation imports?”

Her face flushed a bit, bringing out the clarity of her eyes. Not quite the bright blue of most Water Tribe descendants; more a muted gray blue, with a darker ring around the outside.

“No,” she said, “I got these _from_ the Fire Nation. They’re only imports if you consider me an import too.”

A misstep. Right away, a misstep. I’d assumed those eyes meant she was Water Tribe. But I could recover. “Ah, a newcomer! Forgive my presumption; blue eyes are a rarity in the Fire Nation, are they not?”

“They’re not common. I’m just an oddity I guess.”

Her voice was a rich alto, slightly percussive. Soft yet arresting, just like the rest of her. It was a voice that, in the right situation, could _do things _to me. And I very much wanted to end up in that situation. It had been far too long.

I introduced myself. We talked. I _may _have used some extra flattery. But I still meant every word. And when I slid my hands off hers, I could feel the slight shiver I left behind. Oh, I wanted this. I made my exit finally, hoping that I’d laid enough groundwork for her to take the next step, if she wanted to.

It wasn’t until I got back to City Hall that I realized I’d entirely forgotten to order my tea.


	3. Part One: First Step (Zae)

PART ONE

First Step — Zae

It took me some time to work up the nerve to go to City Hall. It wasn’t that far, really. Within walking distance of my tiny apartment. But after the initial rush of meeting Tarrlok, the self-doubt hit me hard. That man was so beautiful. And I had tried so hard to stay confident, but the more I thought about it, the more convinced I made myself that it had all been a mistake. Or that, if not a mistake, then he’d changed his mind by now. I knew how people normally saw my body. I was fat; I could hardly hide it. And tall. And lacking in any conventional beauty or handsomeness. I mean there were things I _did_ like about myself, but it never seemed to catch anyone else’s eye. This kind of thing just didn’t happen to me.

Also I’d been poking around for information on him, and realized that he wasn’t just a councilman; he was the Chairman of the _whole spirits-damned Republic_. So yes. It took me a while to get over to City Hall.

But I did, finally, on a blustery autumn day. I stumbled into the large main vestibule, struggling to close the door against the wind. I must have looked a fright, with my robes twisted around me and my hair whipped into what felt like an unruly mop on top of my head. A startled sound from further inside confirmed my suspicions. An office worker stood just in front of one of the pillars that lined the room, mouth agape, papers clutched tightly to his chest as though he’d almost dropped them.

“Hi,” I said breathlessly, my voice still caught in the autumn wind, “sorry. I’m looking for Councilman Tarrlok; do you know if he’s here?”

It took a moment for the poor office worker to find his voice too. “I think… I think he’s gone home for the day. You could try again tomorr—”

“Is that _Zae_ I see?”

The voice rang out across the vestibule. We both turned, and there was Tarrlok himself striding down the stairs at the far end. “Thank you for coming!” he beamed, spreading his arms in a welcoming gesture. “I am _delighted_ to see you.”

Despite myself, a rush of giddiness filled my chest. He looked so_ good_ in that outfit of blue and cream. The angular cut of his jacket accented his broad shoulders and the strong line of his body _so well._ I tried to force the giddiness down. Stay cool. Don’t get too excited. Don’t scare him away.

_“My,_ you look windswept,” Tarrlok continued, coming to a stop before me. I could feel my face redden. Oh, spirits, did I look that bad? Really? But Tarrlok smiled. “It looks invigorating.” He turned to the office worker and thanked him quickly, and as the office worker scurried away, Tarrlok offered me his arm.

“I _was_ just on my way out; why don’t we brave the wilds together? Have you eaten dinner? I know a _wonderful_ noodle place nearby.”

Dinner was…a hell of a step up from our brief introduction in the tea shop a few weeks ago. But, if I was being honest with myself, wasn’t that exactly what I wanted? But also, if I was being honest with myself, was I really ready for that? It was still a little surreal that this was actually happening, to _me. _This could all just be a ruse, or a joke. Still, it could _not _be, too. And was I really going to waste this opportunity if it did turn out to be real?

Hell no.

I took the proffered arm. “I would love to have noodles with you.”

Tarrlok slid his other hand over mine momentarily, a gleam in his eye. _“Perfect._ Shall we?”

He pushed open the door, and we went out into the wind.


	4. Part One: Dinner (Zae)

PART ONE

Dinner — Zae

The noodle shop was practically a hole in the wall, just a few blocks from City Hall. Tarrlok and I both looked a little windswept by the time we got there. But the smell of spices and cooking that greeted us when we ducked in the door instantly warmed me.

“We’ll take a booth in the back,” Tarrlok told the seating host. He kept hold of my arm the whole way as we were led through the restaurant, only letting go as we got to the booths. They were semicircular, partitioned with curtains, a softly glowing candle at each table. Tarrlok slid in, settling in the middle of the semicircle. A small sign posted between each booth caught my eye. “Our booths are for spies and lovers,” I read. The corners of Tarrlok’s mouth twitched upward as I slid in and settled myself beside him. “So does that make us spies or lovers?”

“Why can’t we be both?”

He gave me a smirk, before picking up his menu like he hadn’t just turned my insides to jelly. “I don’t know about you, but it’s all-you-can-eat tempura night, and I intend to eat as much fried food as I can stomach.”

I opted for a bowl of noodles and a steaming jasmine tea. “An excellent choice,” Tarrlok had commented. “Jasmine is a favorite of mine too.” As we waited for the food to arrive, I became aware that the heady jasmine scent which I’d thought was just part of the restaurant ambience was actually coming from Tarrlok. He smelled like jasmine, yes, and also something woodsy, like the spicy scent of trees after it rains. He couldn’t have known, could he? That the spicy tree smell was my favorite smell? He couldn’t have. Mixed with the jasmine, it made for something sweet yet rough, a little surreal and entirely alluring. Spirits, I had it so bad for this man.

“If you like the smell, you’ll love the taste,” came Tarrlok’s velvet purr.

For a second I gaped at him in shock. But then our food arrived, and he gave a little smirk.

“Oh you’re _good,” _I said. “You’re real good.”

He picked up a tempura piece and popped it in his mouth. “I do try, when it’s something I really want.”

Oh, he was _so good. _I was half ruined already.

Whatever words we said after that, I barely registered. Our fingers had entwined under the table, and the subtle brush of skin against skin kept my breath hitching in my throat. True to his word, a lot of tempura was ordered. Mostly because my noodles sat forgotten as he—tentatively at first, then more and more boldly—fed me pieces of tempura from his own plate.

Eventually we came to the point where we couldn’t fit in another bite of tempura. I boxed up my noodles and we headed out, Tarrlok once more offering me his arm. The sun had set by now, the only light coming from the street lamps and the headlights of cars on the road. We made our way back to City Hall, in and out of shadows. I certainly felt like both a spy and a lover. Pressed against me, Tarrlok was warm and strong. It was almost intoxicating.

But as we reached City Hall, a nearby clocktower chimed out the late hour. I felt my heart sink. As much as I would have loved to see where this evening took me, I had responsibilities the next day. I had to break the news.

“Tarrlok,” I said, “thank you for dinner. I had a wonderful time.”

Tarrlok turned to face me. “I’m sensing a ‘but’, though.”

“More of an ‘and’,” I replied. “I have work in the morning, and I should be getting home. _But…_” I took a step in toward him, finding his hand and lacing my fingers through his. “Some time, when I’m not busy the next day, I’d love to see you again.”

“May I at least escort you home? My satomobile is just around the corner.” We were so close his breath ghosted across my face.

“I’d like that, yes.”

He gave a gentle tug on my hand. “This way, then.”

He led me to an elegant, cozy vehicle, and I directed him through the streets to my apartment complex. When we arrived, he came around and opened the satomobile door for me, offering me his hand. “Please, allow me.”

He walked me to the door of my building. We stood there a few moments, my hand still in his. I thought I should probably say something, but I was at a loss. Nothing sounded right in my head. Do I tell him how enchanted I was by his woodsy, floral scent? Do I tell him how near to rapture I’d already been by taking bits of tempura into my mouth from his very fingers?

Fortunately, Tarrlok spoke first.

“Thank you for the pleasure of your company tonight.” His thumb brushed across my knuckles. “I hope I can have that same pleasure again soon.”

That purr in his voice was exhilarating. I couldn’t help my eyelids fluttering closed a bit. I tried to meet his gaze, but my eyes kept drifting to his lips instead. “Maybe this weekend, if you’re not busy.” I found myself leaning toward him slightly.

“I’ll make sure my schedule is clear.”

His tongue darted out quickly between his lips, wetting them. I was so distracted by it that I hardly noticed his other hand come up until it was cupping my face, his thumb brushing against my cheek. He leaned closer. I leaned into his hand, our breath mingling in the small space between us. “May I?” he whispered.

I didn’t give him a verbal response. I just closed the gap between us.

His lips were soft, warm, and my breath caught in my throat as his mouth parted to pull me in closer. The sensation was electric, racing down my spine. We lingered there a moment, and then his lips were moving, pressing lightly, grazing across mine. I responded in kind. My whole body felt as if it could float away. At some point, his hand moved from my cheek, and as he brushed his fingers through the hair at the back of my neck, a whimper escaped my throat.

The deep purr of Tarrlok’s answering chuckle radiated through me. He pressed his lips against mine once, twice more, before finally pulling away. I opened my eyes at last. His face was flushed, making his ice blue eyes even more piercing. I thought “weak at the knees” was just an expression before, but I suddenly, _viscerally,_ understood. I had to grip his shoulder to steady myself.

That earned me another chuckle. “Careful, or you’ll drop your noodles.”

I struggled to catch my breath. “Too late, I think.”

I lingered there a moment, before suddenly realizing I should probably do something about the spilled noodles. I bent down to gather them. “I’m so sorry. I am so sorry, please excuse the mess.”

Tarrlok put a hand on my shoulder and quickly brought me back up. “Please, Zae, don’t worry. If anything, it shows just how…_preoccupied_, you were. And I hope I can take the blame for that.”

I looked up at him. His eyes were sparkling with amusement.

“Let me make it up to you. Come to my apartment this weekend. You won’t have to worry about leftovers to take home.”

He offered me his hand. I moved to shake it, but he quickly brought it to his lips. “Until the next time, Zae.”

I watched him get back into his satomobile and drive off into the night. Finally, still a little dazed, I kicked the remaining noodles to the edge of the sidewalk and headed upstairs to my apartment. None of what had happened today had been anything like how I imagined today would go. But in the end, I had kissed him. Oh, spirits alive I had _kissed_ that beautiful man. And if all went well, this weekend I would do it again.


End file.
